


Your Most Best and Dearest Friend, Me.

by iisugat



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Anxiety, Dates, Depression, Drug Use, Everybody is gay, F/F, Galaxy Gals, Happy Ending, I swear to god this sounds so bad, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Notes, Notes to self, Self Harm, Social Anxiety, Swearing, Therapy, Tree Bros, Trees, damn it, or whatever
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-17
Updated: 2017-10-16
Packaged: 2018-12-16 14:52:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11831034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iisugat/pseuds/iisugat
Summary: Y'know, when Dr. Sherman told Evan to start writing notes, Evan didn't expect to form a relationship because them._( )_Dear Evan Hansen,Today is going to be a probably not going to be a good day, but I’m going to have to try. Because even though I forgot my pills, and I didn’t want to ask Mom for a refill because of how much work she already has, and I were nearly late to homeroom, there’s still some time.Things could be worse, right? I got someone to sign I cast. Well, actually, Connor asked me so I didn’t really ask, and it was after he called me a freak and he pushed me, but he apologized! It’s the thought that counts.And Connor found my original note yesterday, and he thinks I was doing it as a joke. I’ll ask him tomorrow if I can have it back, unless he doesn’t show up to school, which he probably won’t. Wait, that’s kind of mean. I shouldn’t judge people by what others say about them because Connor probably has a lot more going on.What if he told Zoe? Oh mt godf whatt if he todl Zeo I;m screewed oh myy god-Sincerely,Your most best and dearest friend,Me.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> -what the fuck was i thinking

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be? 

 

I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. 

 

I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow? 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_( )_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Today is going to be a probably not going to be a good day, but I’m going to have to try. Because even though I forgot my pills, and I didn’t want to ask Mom for a refill because of how much work she already has, and I were nearly late to homeroom, there’s still some time.

 

Things could be worse, right? I got someone to sign I cast. Well, actually, Connor asked me so I didn’t really ask, and it was after he called me a freak and he pushed me, but he apologized! It’s the thought that counts. 

 

And Connor found my original note yesterday, and he thinks I was doing it as a joke. I’ll ask him tomorrow if I can have it back, unless he doesn’t show up to school, which he probably won’t. Wait, that’s kind of mean. I shouldn’t judge people by what others say about them because Connor probably has a lot more going on. 

 

_ What if he told Zoe? Oh mt godf whatt if he todl Zeo I;m screewed oh myy god- _

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_( )_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Yesterday, I went to the Murphy’s house. Their house is very big, by the way. 

 

They didn’t know where Connor was, and they didn’t look very concerned, which is pretty odd. They did, at least, suggesting looking at the park, where Connor apparently gets high. 

 

And I found him with a handful of pills and my note. 

 

I really don’t know why I helped him. 

 

Well, actually, I kind of did because that’s the right thing to do when someone is trying to kill himself. 

 

But besides  _ that.  _

 

I think, in that moment, I didn’t stutter once. That was a big accomplishment. I made him swear that I would see him tomorrow at school, and right before I left, you know what I said? 

 

“Stay safe.”

 

Who says that? Stay safe? God, he must think I’m such a weirdo.

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Evan asked for his letter back, saved Connor, made a new "friend".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -yo yo its me back with a new crap chap because why the hell not

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Connor talked to me today and gave me his number! That was exciting, but he seemed tense? I hope he’s okay. Zoe also talked to me-but that was only because she wanted to apologize to me. 

 

Alana talked to me also, but we really didn’t have a conversation. She was doing all the talking, which I was thankful for. 

 

I’m also going to try to order pizza, though it probably won’t go well. I might drop my money, or the change, or I might drop the actual pizza, or he might try to talk to me, or-

 

_ No,  _ I’m gonna get through this.

 

Hopefully. 

 

Connor just texted me with hello. What do I say back? Hi? No, he already said that. Hello? No, too formal. Hey? I’m not cool enough for  _ that.  _

 

Oh my god. I just texted back. Somebody kill me. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

I tried to order pizza, I really did, but then it just went terribly and I failed, and I just couldn't click the button because of how many ways it could go wrong and-

 

_Okay._

 

Anyways, Connor and I played that question game all night yesterday. 21 Questions? 20 Questions? I forgot, but at least now I know he likes The Little Prince, and his favorite movie was Heathers, and he wants to be an artist. 

 

He showed me a drawing of a flower that was dying yesterday, too. It was drooping and only in grey, black, and white. Kind of like those pictures you would see on those hipster blogs on tumblr, you know? 

 

It was beautiful, but also really sad. I hope he draws a blossoming flower with bright colors one day. 

 

Okay, that sounded really cheesy. I’m going to stop now before I become as sappy as Mom. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Connor didn’t come to school today. I shouldn’t have been so worried, but I can’t help it, worrying is my thing. But after school he told me he was at the park, which was helpful, but if only he told me  _ before  _ school so I didn’t freak out as much. 

 

I also recommended a bunch of musicals to him earlier, and he told me he was listening to Spring Awakening, which is one of my favorites. I hope he likes it. 

 

When he told me he would listen to them, I didn’t think he really meant it. I thought it was a thing you told someone to get them off your back, but apparently “friends” do mean the things they say. 

 

I really, really, hope tomorrow goes like today, if not better. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +pls leave kudos, a comment, and something bc im desperate thank u   
> +what show are you "watchin'" or what album are you "listenin'" to? im "watchin'" supernatural season 12 my dudes and i feel so angst ridden god help me  
> oh wait


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Alana and Evan had an interaction, Connor and he played that twenty-something question game, and Evan started getting cheesy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -so i dont have an actual update schedule fml

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

During lunch, I usually eat in the library, since it just feels like people are  _ watching _ , you know? And besides Jared, I don’t have anywhere to sit. Sure, I could sit next to him, but he has his other not-family friends. 

 

I thought that everybody sat in the cafetorium, since that’s what normally happens, right? 

 

Apparently not. 

 

I was walking into the bathroom since I had to wash my hands, and there was Connor Murphy, in his black clothed glory. 

 

I honestly had no clue what to do, but of course, my mouth just  _ had  _ to start rambling, and then I think I said “sit with me at the library during lunch if you want” because he said, “Hansen, chill the fuck out. I’ll sit with you, but I’m gonna warn you I don’t know how to talk to people.” 

 

Well, at least he was better at talking than I was. We did talk, actually, about books, and well...life? I talked about how it’s like Mom isn’t home most of the time, while Connor ate the apple I gave him and nodded along. 

 

I think today will be a good day. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Connor came over today, which was awesome. 

 

When I told him I couldn’t talk to the delivery man, he didn’t laugh like Jared did. I don’t know why everyone at school isn’t lining up to be his friend or something. 

 

We watched Heathers, and that was pretty fun. I also found out that Connor likes mushrooms on his pizza. I don’t know why I’m writing this. 

 

I think I’m waiting until he gets sick of me and leaves me behind, and tells everyone how I can’t order on the phone, and everyone will laugh at me, and at college people will know me as that weird kid who can’t order and-

 

Nevermind.

 

Connor just fell asleep, and I don’t know what to do since his head is currently on my shoulder, and I was just able to get my laptop since it was right next to me. 

 

WHat do I do what do I do what do I do what do I do what do I

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Eventually, last night, I fell asleep, too. Mom found us like that: my laptop nearly shut on my lap while Connor’s head was on my shoulder and I was leaning against him. I have never been more embarrassed. 

 

This morning, Connor met Mom, and she was way to happy. Connor seemed to be relieved, though. Which I am very,  _ very  _ grateful. 

 

I am also getting my cast off next week! I can’t wait for that; the cast is just so itchy and annoying. But I guess I enjoyed having Connor’s name on my arm. 

 

Wait, that sounds weird. Ignore that. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +i've started slipping in pick up lines into convos im not even kidding ask @sagiberry (ao3)  
> +im not asking for much except maybe some kudos, a subscribe, and maybe comment down some really cheesy pick up lines bc if u do i will fall for you   
> +do you play quiditch because you sure are a keeper : )


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Evan and Connor ate together at the library, went over to Evan's, ate some pizza, and fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -poooooof im back. back again.

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Today, Monday, was pretty crappy since I stayed up all night last night because I just  _ couldn’t stop  _ **_thinking._ ** It’s like my mind goes overboard, and after every single thought that comes up, another one pops up. It doesn’t matter if it’s about school, Connor, Mom, writing, it just keeps on going and going and going and going. 

 

Connor texted me during the night, too. We texted for awhile, until I had to stop since my eyes were too tired to read. 

 

Having a friend is fun. And not even a family friend. 

 

Jared is a little more mean than usual, and if I have to say, a little bit more of an asshole. I really don’t know why. 

 

Connor and I started eating in the library together now. It’s fun. Sometimes Connor would read, or I would do my homework; we don’t always talk. 

 

I hope it’s like this everyday. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

This morning, some girl named Heather Chandelier or something pushed me over, and some people started laughing, and it was like everyone was staring, and it was so  _ terrifying  _ and I just-

 

Basically, I started being a baby in the bathroom.

 

It wasn’t too bad, since Connor apparently didn’t see me in AP Bio and worried, which was nice of him. He drove me home and stayed with me until eventually I fell asleep, which was very bad since I drool in my sleep. 

 

He was gone when I woke up, so I was alone, but that’s alright since at least I had someone for awhile.

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Why can’t do I do anything right? It seems as if I just drag or annoy everyone around me. Hell, when I fell out of that tree, I couldn’t even die, how pathetic is that?

 

I wish I never existed, because then my mom wouldn’t have to work so much, and she could become the lawyer she always wanted to be, and maybe Dad wouldn’t have left. Maybe she would’ve been happy. 

 

I wish I could just disappear. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +i was too impatient to wait another two days.   
> +leave kudos, comment something about yourself, and stay safe : )  
> +hi im a girl and i fucking love oreos


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Connor and Evan sat in the library, as usual. Evan panicked in the bathroom, Connor helped, Evan's happiness went downhill for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -am i late? i think im late.

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

That last letter was unneeded. It didn’t matter; I was being irrational; Jared just made a joke about how I was getting way too “comfy” with Connor. 

 

But Connor said that if it made me cry, then it does matter. Jared always told me I was being unreasonable. But he  _ did  _ help me through panic attacks. 

 

I’ve realized how the littlest things make my days good. Connor could give me a smile (which is usually just an upward quirk to the corner of his very-pink lips) and it would make my day in all honesty. 

 

I’ve decided that My Chemical Romance is nice; Connor showed it to me this morning when he drove me to school. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

I am  _ very  _ mad. Connor’s dad, Larry, said “therapy was unmanly” and was just “asking for attention”. I’ve decided that Larry is an asshole. 

 

But maybe he just doesn’t understand? Who knows. 

 

I’ve decided to cut this letter short because Connor is knocking and I don’t want to seem rude. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Alana got paired up with me in English today. She’s very talkative, and I feel bad for saying this, but I hope she does most of the talking for our presentation. 

 

We haven’t chosen a book yet, but I’m thinking “Catcher In the Rye”. Holden is very much like Connor. 

 

Alana also sat with Connor and I at the library. Apparently she does her homework there. 

 

Connor was very rude at first. I think he warmed up a bit at the end of lunch. I like Alana, honest, but she can be a bit overwhelming. 

  
  


Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +my friend and i argued in the comment section of her story while i wrote this ;)) check her shit out (sagiberry on ao3) wowow look @ that shameless promoting shana you better promote me back   
> +heyo would you please please please please leave kudos, comment down what song is stuck in your head, and please give a s'more!  
> +i have hard times (by paramore) and medley of brittany spears in my head someone help me


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: :((, and Alana sat with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -hahahahahaahahahahahahah :)

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Alana has joined sitting with us at lunch, and it’s actually very fun. 

 

Sometimes we eat in the cafeteria, too, but that’s not very often. But, it’s more often than usual.

 

It’s actually 6:26 a.m. on a Saturday, right now. 

 

Connor said to text him every time I couldn’t sleep, but I can’t. I don’t want to bother him, and he said that i don’t even when he acts “like an asshole”, but, really, I do, I bother everyone. 

 

Mom could’ve had a perfect family if I wasn’t such a problem, you know. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

The dark isn’t a nice place to be. 

 

It leaves you open with your thoughts; kind of like a canvas. 

 

Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I really did die on that fall. Maybe it would have been for the better. But then, I remember that Connor is alive because of me. 

 

But… I just can’t help but wonder. Would Mom have gotten the job and loving family she always wanted? Jared would get better friends, and no one would know him as the guy who has to hang out with the weird kid for car insurance. 

 

I’m getting my cast off in the next two days. Sometimes I wonder the broken arm is there to show I failed at the one thing I had genuinely hoped would work. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

I have a therapy session after school, today. 

 

Connor also showed up with a bruise on his cheek, today. 

 

Alana didn’t sit with us, today.

 

Jared wasn’t at school today.

 

Zoe ignored me, as usual, today. 

  
  


Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +hahaha oops so i updated late sorry not sorry   
> +yo leave kudos, a comment on a book or fic youre readin', and sharpies. idk why i love them  
> +im currently obsessing over klance so if you recs thatd be great ;)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Some people weren't there, and it just got way more depressing than you thought it'd get.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -im dearly sorry  
> -school's a bitch  
> -i want to die more than ever

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Admitting you have depression is really hard. Having a therapist for it is even harder. 

 

Dr. Sherman expects me to open up what’s going on in my mind so easily, but it’s so  _ hard.  _ I just-it’s like, when I try to say what I really think, a bunch of stutters and “sorry”’s come out instead. 

 

I had to help Connor with his bruise, too. He had bloody knuckles and a cut under his eye. I learned first-aid, since my mother is a nurse, after all. 

 

I’m really glad Dr. Sherman doesn’t read these. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Before eighth grade, I used to love reading. Now everything I used to love isn’t as exciting as before. 

 

I also found out what happened to Alana. 

 

She had overworked herself so much, she forgot to eat, and fainted. How couldn’t I have noticed? I swear, I’m so useless. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Connor and I went for ice cream today. 

 

It was fun. Connor ordered for me, and wouldn’t let me pay, which was kind of adorable, actually. 

 

I never thought I’d describe Connor as adorable.  

 

I don’t know what to do with the situation of Jared. I just have a hole in my heart, and the guilt is tearing at it even more. What do I  _ do?  _

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +pssttt,,,,,,,,,ily   
> +im sorry i got into a dark place and home problems u know   
> +hey,,leave kudos, a comment on how youre doin, and starbucks i can donate to the poor   
> +always remember there are people who love u. k?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> im not even gonna list anything :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -im tired  
> -im gonna try to upload more ig

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Alana came to school today. She still sat with us at the library, even though I had thought she would leave us. She really is amazing. 

 

Connor seemed off. I don’t know why, but I’m scared to ask. I’m not necessarily scared of Connor, but what reaction I would get from him. What if I’m being too nosy? He’ll probably leave me like everybody else. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

I talked to Jared today. I don’t think we can go back to the way it was before. But he seems less held back? He’s more open, now, I guess. Just not around Connor?

 

He still keeps sending me memes though. Dang it. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

Troye Sivan is a really good artist. He’s also openly gay, which I find to be very brave. To be honest, I don’t know  _ what  _ I am. Straight? Ha, no. Bi? I don’t know. Pan?

 

I got my cast off, too. It was a relief, but its really pale, and skinnier than my other arm. It looks really weird. I’ll wear a long-sleeved shirt tomorrow. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +nothing i like seems so exciting. damn it  
> +leave kudos, comment what is on your mind, and send stick people   
> +remember there are people there for you, and stay safe!!!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -is there anything worth living for   
> -im obsessed with troye sivan someone help

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Connor showed me Hozier. Their music is really good, and we listened to an album while Connor drove me home. It’s become a thing now; he’d drive me home because he knows I hate the bus, and I don’t like bothering my mom. 

 

Mom said she’ll be home for tomorrow. She says we haven’t had a Taco Tuesday in forever. Really, forever means in six years. I really do love my mom, but sometimes I wonder how much more success she would have achieved if I wasn’t alive. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me.

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

 

Today was fun. Mom and I talked while she made tacos; I don’t think I’ve talked to her this much since I was six. Mom recommended filling out a thing for winning scholarships with writing. I don’t know if I’m that good a writer; hell, I barely write at all. 

 

Mom said she’d read over my rough drafts, but i really doubt she would remember. It doesn’t really matter; this seemingly perfect life has to end somewhere. 

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend,

Me. 

 

_()_

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

 

I cleaned the entire house because it was rainy, and I didn’t want to bother Connor. I finished every single book on my bookshelf, and rewatched all the movies we had. I also finished homework. I would say I cleaned my room, but my room is always so clean, i doubt there’d be anything to clean at all. 

 

I did a PotterMore quiz, and found I was a Slytherin. I think Connor would be a HufflePuff. Maybe he’d get offended by that, but I don’t see anything wrong with it at all. I’m rather fond of HufflePuffs.  

 

Sincerely, 

Your most best and dearest friend, 

Me. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> +eighteen by anarbor is the shit go listen to it   
> +im tired and i wanna give up   
> +ily and try to be happy   
> +please leave kudos, comment a three word story, and suck lollipops

**Author's Note:**

> +leave a pun or a joke in the comments thanks  
> +pls give kudos, comments, and sandwiches i have a family to support


End file.
